


Underneath your pretty lies.

by fxlminare



Series: BELLAMY BLAKE COLLECTION [38]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Graphic Description, POV Bellamy Blake, Self-Harm, Triggers, Worried Bellamy Blake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:54:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23013580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fxlminare/pseuds/fxlminare
Summary: "Bellamy Blake and reader have a sort of thing going on where everyone knows that they like each other but they're too blind to see it, but what reader doesn't tell Bellamy is that she had always had a problem with self-harm, well one day Bellamy and the reader get into a huge fight about whatever, and reader cuts herself, and Bellamy finds out about it and sees it happening."
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Reader
Series: BELLAMY BLAKE COLLECTION [38]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2110968
Kudos: 17





	Underneath your pretty lies.

**Author's Note:**

> **!!Warnings: self-harm (talk and graphic description)**
> 
> A/N: Please, if this is a trigger for you, do NOT move forward. Stay safe and catch you on the next.

**YOUR POV**

I woke up that morning, feeling the sun already warming up my tent, so I smiled before I even opened my eyes. I was truly thankful for the sun. I stretched my arms, yawning as I rubbed my eyes to get rid of the last remains of sleep still lingering on them before I opened them, hearing the rustle around camp already.

\- "You think that wood is going to cut itself?"

That was Bellamy; of course, he was already awake and ordering people around. He took his job of taking care of the camp very seriously, which was why he was always the first one awake and the last one to go to sleep, often giving himself the longest patrol hours, not even thinking of his own safety. Thinking of him always brought a smile to my face. I rose up and put on my pants, looking around for the rest of my clothes.

\- "Y/N's asleep, let her be."

I furrowed my eyebrows as I heard his voice again. He never allowed anyone to sleep in, so I wondered why he said that, instead of storming into my tent and kicking me out like I had seen him do a couple of times to some other delinquents. _Weird._ I shrugged my shoulders, going back to my own thoughts.

I really liked him, but how could he ever love someone like me? I looked down at my arms as I stood alone in my tent, the only moment I allowed my arms to breath for I didn't want anyone to see my scars. I wasn't sure how I had started, but they seemed to have always been with me. I ran my fingertips over my arm, over the more recent ones. I couldn't exactly pinpoint what had been the trigger, but I knew, on its own terrible and destructive way, they had made me feel better; it was horrible that I thought like that, and it was even worse that, for a couple of seconds, cutting my skin forced a sense of relief in my chest even if, after that, all I felt was regret and guilt. I had tried to learn as much as I could about the chemical reaction going on in my brain, hoping that'd help me stop it but, so far...

I took my jacket, putting it on and zipping it up a bit, to make sure nothing could make it slide down my arms for it was a bit too big for me. I took a deep breath, putting on a smile and getting out of my tent, immediately blinded by the sun, closing my eyes and enjoying the feeling of warmth. This had to be the best part of Earth.

\- "Leave a bit of sunlight for the rest of us."

I placed my hand over my eyes to be able to open them and look at the owner of the voice that had interrupted my sunbath: Bellamy. He gave me a cheeky smile as I rolled my eyes, shaking my head and walking up to him, finally able to move my hand from my eyes as he was standing in the shade.

\- "You're the one willingly standing away from it."

\- "That's because I'm nice enough to let you take it all of it for yourself."

\- "How nice."

\- "I see the smile in your face every time the sun slides over your skin." -he moved his eyes from mine- "It'd be cruel to take that away from you."

\- "I, mmm..." -I furrowed my eyebrows, unsure of why his words sank deep in my chest; it surely was a weird way of saying he didn't like the sun, but Bellamy was like that- "Thank you, I guess."

\- "You're welcome."

He looked at me again and, for some reason, I realized I usually felt safe under the sun but his gaze at that moment made me feel safer. It was weird but a good type of weird. I smiled up at him, realizing then, I should probably get going to my spot for the day before he started yelling. Not that he had ever raised his voice to me, but it was better to be safe than sorry. I said goodbye and started walking out of there, already feeling the heat spreading through my face as well as my chest. 

\- "Did you sleep well?"

That was it. He was going to scold me. I hadn't even taken two steps away from him and, instinctively, I hunched down, getting ready for his scream, but it didn't come.

\- "I... mmm..." -I turned around, not needing to move for he was already next to me again- "Sorry."

\- "Why are you apologizing?"

\- "Because I slept in?" -I tilted my head for he actually seemed confused at my apology- "You hate when we do that."

\- "I hate when the kids do it." -he shook his head, amusement written all over his face- "I'm sure you needed to rest a bit more today; yesterday was a tough day."

\- "Oh." -now confusing had to have been written all over my face- "Won't happen again."

\- "Y/N, I'm not going to yell at you because you sleep in 30 minutes more than usual."

\- "Are you keeping track of when I get in and out of my tent?" -I couldn't help the chuckle that left my lips- "Creepy much?"

\- "Don't think I haven't noticed you following me with your eyes, sweetheart." -he smirked at me, crossing his arms over his chest.

\- "Well, that's in case you fall flat on your face so I won't miss it and I can have a good laugh."

I wasn't sure how or why but, for some reason, lately our conversations always managed to derive into this kind of weird flirting, mutual pinning that I was more than certain wasn't mutual for Bellamy could have literally whoever he wanted in the damn camp. I was probably reading too much into it, so I decided to cut it short, knowing I'd just get myself hurt if I kept playing this game, whatever it was.

\- "I'll go back to my spot so you can go scream at someone else."

I chuckled, leaving him there, fast enough not to hear another word, not that he said anything else. No matter if we only interchanged a couple of words, Bellamy's presence had always made me feel better, he was even soothing at times. Probably more the deeper I fell for him. I sighed, shaking my head. _Get that out of your head, it's not going to happen._

**\--------------------------**

**OCTAVIA'S POV**

I knew my brother was dense at best, but his inability to see how Y/N's eyes lingered on him and how she acted around him was too much. I had also realized Y/N was nowhere closer than he was to realizing Bellamy looked longingly at her every time she walked away from him; just like that very second.

\- "Wipe your mouth before your drool makes a pool on the grass." -I tried to sound like I was scolding him as I walked up to him- "You could really use all your confidence and just tell her how you feel."

\- "I don't wanna scare her away, it's too soon." -he didn't bother hiding it from me; it'd be stupid to even try- "I need to make sure she feels the same, I need to know I'm good for her."

\- "Please." -I rolled my eyes- "You are really thick up here, aren't you." -I hit his head- "She's pinning hard for you; you're just too blind to see it."

\- "Maybe you're reading too much into it instead of being working."

\- "Or, maybe, you aren't reading enough."

And, before he could say anything else, I walked away from him because I had no intention to listen to his many reasons as to why I was rushing into it and he was being cautious. I started to think he was scared of how she might react; Y/N was a curious and nurturing soul but she was also very introspective and quiet, it was hard to get to know her, but I knew she meant well, and that was why I liked her.

\- "Meat cleaning duties today?" -I stood next to her; she jumped a little at my intromission but a smile quickly appeared on her lips as she turned around to look at me- "Again?"

\- "I rather be doing this than going out." -she shrugged her shoulders- "I'm not as restless as you are."

\- "One of these days, Y/N." -I pointed at her with a playful tone- "One of these days."

She laughed with me, shaking her head before she moved back to keep cleaning the piece of meat in front of her. I decided I'd stay with her for the day, not really wanting to be on patrol duty either, changing places with Connor who seemed really happy to be away from the food and the fire. I understood, for the small structure we had built got too hot too soon, making whoever was working there smell pretty strongly and sweat a lot.

\- "Hey, you both done?"

\- "I mean, kind of?" -Y/N turned around to look at Christ, another delinquent that was supposed to be on hunting duty today- "Why? You brought something else?"

\- "No, we need a couple more hands to go out today."

I saw the concern in Y/N's face, but it quickly vanished as she looked at me with a smile on her face.

\- "I think today's the day."

\- "Oh, really?" -I chuckled, walking up to her- "Let's gear up, then."

I wrapped my arm around hers, both of us getting out of there and following Christ who was going to assign us the weapons for the next couple hours. I hoped I'd get a sword and that Y/N would get a gun because I knew she was most comfortable with it than with anything else. It didn't take us long to get ready, walking out of camp with Chris, forming a team of three like Bellamy had established; I was surprised he hadn't shown up yet to put us back in meat-duty but I'd be damned if I complained. It was a pretty uneventful trip, though, for most animals had already figured out we were hunting there now but, still, we managed to catch a couple of smalls preys.

\- "You know what?" -Y/N spoke as I walked beside her with Christ acting as our tracker- "I may not mind this so much." -she looked around- "It's actually pretty nice out here."

I laughed as she gave me a smug smile, Christ looking back at us, asking us to keep it low if we wanted to catch something for dinner; Y/N shrugged her shoulders as I covered my mouth to keep it low. After walking around without much luck for another half hour, we decided to get back to the camp, catching up with another hunting party as we got to the doors; it seemed they hadn't had much luck either. 

\- "What the hell?" -my brother's voice came from behind us, startling all of us; especially me since I didn't know he had been out here- "I've been looking everywhere for you!" -he stood in front of me- "I thought something happened."

\- "We just went hunting with Christ." -Y/N quickly spoke for me for I was too astonished to even formulate an answer- "It was fun, actually."

\- "Y/N, shut up! This has nothing to do with you." -my brother turned to look at her, his voice was loud and Y/N took a step back; she looked scared- "You shouldn't even be out here!"

I watched Y/N's expression drop as Bellamy's words hit her ears. I watched her bit her inner cheek and the glint in her eyes and I knew she was going to cry. I tried to get to her as she moved away from Bellamy, but she asked me to leave her alone before she shot running inside the camp, probably towards her tent.

\- "You really are a fucking idiot." -I faced Bellamy, shoving my finger to his chest- "You didn't have to yell at her just because you can't control your temper!"

**\---------------------------**

**BELLAMY'S POV**

I had finally exploded and I had done it with the person that deserved it the least: Y/N. She had run away from me after I yelled at her, cursing myself for being so stupid as Octavia spoke the truths I was thinking out loud, knowing I had to go after her and apologize. I was a fucking idiot sometimes. I assumed she'd have gone into her tent, hearing the quiet sobs as I stood next to it, gulping as I realized I really didn't know what to say for just saying 'sorry' felt stupid. But I had to do it, she didn't deserve my anger, she deserved more than I could give her. Maybe one day I'd be deserving of her.

\- "Y/N, I'm sorry, I shouldn't..."

I opened the flap of her tent before I could think any better of it, not expecting to see what my eyes landed on: Y/N was sat on the floor, with her back to the bed, arms uncovered and bleeding, a knife on her hand slashing her skin, stopping abruptly as I stepped inside. She looked at me, her eyes were puffy and red, tears rolling down her cheeks.

\- "Get out!"

I had never heard her scream but I couldn't take my eyes from her arms, despite her efforts to cover them up with her jacket; I moved to her, kneeling next to her as much as she pushed me away and screamed for me to leave her alone.

\- "Y/N, why are you...?"

\- "Leave me alone!"

She pushed me away, trying to raise but I couldn't let her leave, afraid she'd do something worse to herself; I was angry she was doing this to herself, I was furious this was how I was finding out; it pained me knowing she was in so much pain for I could tell this was not the first time. I grabbed her hand, not letting her go, pulling her back to me.

\- "I'm here."

She gave in, covering her face with her free hand as she started crying again, a moment I took to pull her down on me, to wrap my arms around her, wanting to be there for her, wanting to be a shoulder for her to cry on, a friendly ear to listen to her, a hand to help her get through it. She wrapped her arms around my neck; I was aware I'd have blood on me but I didn't care, I just wanted her to know I was here for her. I rubbed her back, rocking us from side to side as she let it all out, feeling her tears in my skin and her sobs in my chest as I tightened my grip. I cursed myself for not realizing sooner in how much pain Y/N really was; maybe I'd have been able to help her sooner, to avoid this; I knew her body would heal but her mental state scared me more than I wanted to admit. I wanted her to be okay but I didn't know if there was anything I could do for her. I didn't know how I was supposed to act and I was afraid I'd do or say something that'd make things worse; the last thing I wanted to do was diminish her feelings.

\- "I'm sorry I yelled at you, Y/N." -I whispered in her ear as she started to calm down, a quiet sniff here and there but no more shaky sobs- "You don't deserve that and I'm sorry I lashed out on you."

She didn't answer me, she didn't move for a while and I didn't want to push her to speak so I simply stood there, going over all I had wanted to say, about how I felt about her, about how stupid I felt thinking Y/N was the happiest girl down here, only to find out the enormous amount of pain she really was in, only to find out her coping mechanism was hurting herself. I closed my eyes.

\- "It's okay." -she finally murmured- "It's fine."

\- "Y/N, it's not."

\- "I don't want your pity, Bellamy." -she pulled back- "I'm not a baby."

\- "But..."

\- "I don't wanna talk about that." -she gave me her back as she stood up- "Or about me."

\- "Okay."

I rose from the floor after her, standing there awkwardly, not knowing what to say as I watched her pick up her jacket, running her fingertips over her arms as she moved to the other side of her tent. Maybe she wasn't ready to talk about it but I wanted her to know I wasn't going anywhere, I'd be here when she felt like she could open up; I wanted to be there to help her through it, to help her find a different way to deal with her pain: maybe sparring with me could help her, break something... anything that didn't imply her getting hurt.

\- "You got bandages?" -I finally found my voice again, her head turning around to meet my eyes.

\- "Yeah." -she nodded- "You can leave now."

\- "You want me to leave or are you just saying that because you think I don't want to be here?"

\- "Who'd want to deal with this?" -she scoffed, pointing at herself up and down- "It's fine." -she turned around again- "I can deal with it."

It broke my heart that she thought like that, it hurt me deeply that she could think there was anywhere else I'd rather be than with her. I knew this was not the time to tell her about how I felt but that didn't mean I wasn't going to show her. I walked up to her and placed my hand on her shoulder, carefully not to startle her, prompting her to turn around towards me.

\- "Bellamy..."

\- "I want to be here." -I took her hands in mine- "If you're okay with that."

She eyed me carefully and by god, I hoped she'd find whatever she was looking for; I didn't want to leave, I wanted to stay. I rubbed the back of her hands with my thumbs as I waited for her answer, hoping she'd say something soon; I knew the horizontal cuts in her arms would heal but that didn't mean I wanted her not to treat them right away.

\- "Why?"

That was the only thing that came out of her mouth, a quiet and disconcerted 'why'. I wasn't sure how I had to answer that; should I tell her I wanted to stay because I loved her and I never again wanted to leave her side? No. Should I say that I'm terrified of leaving and finding her bleeding out on the floor the next time I come to look for her? Definitively not. What could I say to let her know I'd be here whenever she felt ready to talk about it but without pushing her.

\- "Because I care." -I tried to sound as calm as possible- "I want you to know I'm here to listen to you when you're ready to talk and, in the meantime, I want to be here to keep you company. I know these are just words and words don't mean much but I swear I mean it."

\- "I guess time will tell."

I wasn't sure that was the answer I wanted and I was even less convinced my words had meant anything to her at all or were what she needed to hear. I hoped I'd get better at this with time for, if I knew anything, was that saying 'I love you' meant nothing if you didn't consistently show it. So that was what I was going to do: speak through my actions. I took the bandages from the table and sat with her on the floor, not even attempting to be the one to take care of her wounds, simply sitting beside her and handing her the bandages when she asked for them. Once she was done, she rested her head back on the bed, closing her eyes and resting her arms over her legs. I couldn't help but look at her scars unable not to wonder how long she had been suffering this much and whether or not she had cut herself somewhere else. I knew I shouldn't ask so I tried not to think about it for longer, knowing that I'd just start putting myself in the worse possible scenario and that'd help none of us. I closed my eyes, wondering what was going on inside her head, taking a deep breath and resting my own back on the bed too. The noises in the camp soon took over everything else: the birds chirping, the wood being cut and the laughter of some kids but none of that mattered, I was here to be with Y/N. I felt her move beside me but I didn't try to move too or open my eyes, soon feeling her pinky curling around mine so mimicked her.

\- "Thank you."

I opened my eyes only to see she had closed hers again, a smile on my lips as I looked at our hands; a sense of relief taking over everything else as I decided then and there, I'd do anything to help her out of this. I closed my eyes, resting against the bed again. I wished she knew how strong I thought she was, how much respect I felt for her. One day, once this moment was only a memory, I'd tell her all about it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, everyone!
> 
> I hope you are all doing well and that, if you're in a situation like this, you'll manage to find the power within yourselves to get better for no amount of external help could ever replace one's will. Stay safe. Much love ❤


End file.
